Friday, February 24, 2012

And Then It Happens! Fat Attack!

Gentlemen, this probably NEVER happens to you! Damn! How do you guys do it? Weight loss weight gain? It comes and goes and you men could care less, right? You are so lucky! Women have it sooo much harder! For us, the culture IS RELENTLESS about our being UBER THIN. I'm just trying to stay alive being a normal weight!!!

Brooklyn esplanade facing away from NYC, happy at a comfortable, non panting up 5 flights of stairs weight, 10/26/11.

 Being a veteran of weight loss campaigns more than 12-14 times yo-yoing my way through life, I have learned how to be vigilant against those extra pounds suddenly materializing on the scale. I know how it happens. I guard against it, a sentinel of fats, proteins, carbs, monitoring the croissants or muffins that attempt to jump willy nilly into my mouth by the hand that somehow puts it there when I'm not looking, the hand that I've disassociated from MY body. I smack down all caloric food selection patterns when I restaurant with friends. (no bread, no dessert, only steamed vegetables, grilled fish, no heavy sauces or casserole dishes). I AM the CIA of black ops against the accumulating adipose. Ha, Ha, Ha. AND STILL I GET BLINDSIDED!!!!!

I am soooo pissed at myself. Got on the scale this morning and I nearly dropped dead. I gained 8 pounds. WTF? Yes, my pants were becoming snug. Yes, I thought my legs looked a bit curvier. Yes, I was sitting, a lot, writing, a lot. Yes, I put off getting on the scale this past month. Yes, I went unconscious as I reached for a half pound of those raw cashews while I wrote my articles, eating them late at night. (at least they weren't oiled and salted) Yes, I downed foods that I knew were on the edge of DOOM for me. But it was just a touch, you see. Just a taste, perhaps a shared item with a friend, a morsel of a crumb of something. Yes, I convinced myself I would get on the scale tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow, Macbeth-like. But today was a fall day in October; tomorrow was the month of June.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012, I am 8 pounds heavier, but I don't "know" it though I ripped my pants trying to pull them up over an 8 pound heavier butt!
Yes, yes, yes, I did it. I DID IT. I allowed old patterns to creep slowly, to seep into my routine, like ghostly shadows that dodge and lurk and the moment you turn to recognize them, there is always something on the other side to change your focus and distract you. When you look back, they have vanished and another pound has been gained, only you don't know it because YOU DON'T GET ON THE SCALE! Of course, I was using any rationalization to distract me from the ghost who's always there, the ghost of fat Carole ready to take over. And take over she did!

Until the ghostly woman of fat whom I've entertained and befriended most of my life finally vanishes, swallowed by the darkness of the void, until I do not need to be shadowed any more by her, I've resolved, I must WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY, regardless of my schedule, regardless of my pressing schedule that leaves me little time, regardless of my abject loathing of the scale!

Weighing myself is the wake up call, the reality show, the fear factor resolved. "You mean you're afraid to weigh yourself," I hear you ask? Do bears have fur? Hell to the YEAH! This is from a lifetime of seeing a number on the scale that was an abomination that made me ashamed and made me hate myself. Well, you lovely ladies out there who weigh in the normal would you feel if you saw the scale register between 190-230 a goodly part of your life AND YOU WERE NOT 6'6" but 5'5.6"?

Beautiful picture of ocean at Southampton. Wanted to get on scale and weigh myself, made an excuse, didn't! Feb 22. 2012
Well, this is it! Exorcism time. Ghostly shadowy fat woman, you have no place in my life. I will bid you goodbye with laughter and happiness. I fear you not. And those who read this? You are my witnesses that she is gone in the twinkling of an eye!  And just to make sure, hold my foot to the fire if I don't weight myself every day, even if I have a stumbling hangover from the night before and can't find where my feet are. Peace out!


Unknown said...

I think you look beautiful, btw! I was laughing about the snacking and writing because I swear I snack more when I am in the middle of a writing 'project' or am obsessively writing! Enjoyed your blog! Must agree with you about the fear of the scale,lol. :)

Carole Di Tosti said...

Thx for compliment, Sarah, but look at pic. I am wearing a coat Underneath you cannot see fat back where fat pushed up by waist on tight pants. I'm so annoyed at myself. But it is funny. Snacking a computer...Bad. I hope I get through this evening without reaching for something.
Sorry for being redundant about joining blog. Enjoyed questions people ask and you saying...people, he works hard. I know it is fun...but it is tiring.
Thanks for sharing looking forward to your posts.

Unknown said...

Glad we connected through twitter! You are too funny...(and probably too hard on yourself!) :) Talk soon! :)

Link Gate said...

I weigh everyday. I have to, it keeps me in reality. It's so easy to lie to myself and have a taste of that, a bite of this. I keep track of my food daily as well and if I "bite it, I write it." I'm supporting you!

Holly Helscher said...

The scale is the key. It's a love/hate relationship.

Carole Di Tosti said...

It really is the key. Until I feel comfortable in my body, I won't let up and then I can't let up too much because I will go the other way and have another Fat Attack. Maybe I can find a way to LOVE my scale.

Thanks for sharing.

Margo Dill said...

I think your photos are darling (and beautiful, too), but I do understand. And I stay off the scale when I know I've been bad. . .that's not smart! It's really much smarter to be realistic. Thank you for sharing all your honesty with us in this post.

Carole Di Tosti said...

I guess, I'll have to weigh myself for the rest of my life. Argh! It's never over because I don't want to be the fat lady singing. lolol Thanks for your support, Margo.

Anonymous said...

You look fine, but I understand and can so relate. Until I read your honest sharing, I thought I was alone in not wanting to weigh-in. : )

Every day though they say may be over-doing it. Maybe someplace in-between?

I enjoy your blog and see you have oodles of followers already! Good work! I also was interested in your Technocrati articles.

Your prior classmate, Suzy Paluzzi

Anonymous said...

p.s. writing and not exercising enough is something we also have in common.


Unknown said...

Carole, I just read Jen Owenby's latest post that brought me to your posting. Your pics look GREAT! But I can relate to the yo-yo bouncing eating habits. Go back to Jen's post and read my comments. We all definitely have something in common!LOL:>)

Maia Dobson said...

I envy you because you look so fit and healthy despite your age! I recently had a buccal fat removal to make my face look thinner but my body needs some workout and diet to match my now thin face.

Unknown said...

Hey don't be too hard on yourself. You look fabulous in those tights! I bet you can wear even patterned opaque tights australia with your figure. You go girl!